The Rules of Rough Sex

Rough play has the potential to be really potent. It's a huge duty as well.

I would have thought someone was crazy if they had told me a year ago that I would become aroused entirely by being extremely harsh during intercourse. However, it did occur, and I got, well, wet. Additionally, I became aware of several possible risks that might have turned the entire situation into a terrible one. Fortunately, none of those incidents occurred, so I'm here to discuss the trends in rough play and the guidelines for doing it correctly.

Playing Rough

So, what took place? I was having a great time at an event. I was there, wrapping up a pleasant scene with well-known friends. I went outside after deciding I needed a little respite and saw what I can only describe as an absolute hottie. This kind of thing has happened to me before: see, imagine, and then, suddenly, it's gone! There is rarely a decent reason to do much more than grin because, most importantly, the individuals I may venture to envision myself connected with are already involved. However, for some reason, I found myself pulled to her this time. So I said hello instead of merely grinning. She returned the greeting. Both of us moved on and returned inside.

A friend and I chatted for a while while we were seated. Unexpectedly, my friend offered to introduce us after casually saying that I thought she was hot. Really? That's exactly what I was all about! After meeting and clicking, we started playing. We conducted the necessary and much-desired negotiation: what we liked, what we could and could not do, and what kinds of boundaries there were. This process was straightforward and natural, and you should do it whenever you find yourself in a scenario like this. Then the fun began.

I instantly understood that several of her favorite activities required particular toys, none of which I had considered bringing with me! It's time to get creative. Her high-heeled platform sandals turned out to be incredibly robust, and I had the essential gadgets I needed to pull off this scene with the little piece of rope I had borrowed from my friend. I utilized the sandals as a spanking tool as we developed the scene and our relationship, and with her safely restrained, I was able to both control and deliver the kind of scolding blows she obviously desired. I was in that rarefied state of mind where I was entirely in control of what was about to happen, completely atop, and incredibly turned on. We both recognized that we were connected in a way that truly spoke to us at that particular time and place. As her writhing body winced and yearned for more of the severe pain I could and would inflict, I pulled, yanked, pressed, and delivered strikes that got deeper and deeper.

Despite our evident desire to push ourselves farther and farther, we worked at it for over an hour and a half before realizing that we needed to take a break. The aftercare was a peaceful haven. We both experienced the same emotions: me being able to completely embrace that power within me and let myself go in the moment, while she was under a potent type of control. It was all really erotic and sensual.

And that's where the danger and the fun are.

The Rules of Rough Sex Play

Sometimes it's too simple to "let go" into that type of "top space."  Without a doubt, I had this partner securely bound (a quick and simple way out was just a tug away). Additionally, I had excellent control over her movements, where she went, and how I applied the makeshift impact toy to her body. Her cries of agony did not reflect how much fun we were having. Things might have gone quite differently if I had been too exhausted, if either of us had been disabled, if the toy I had "chosen" had been something with intrinsic power of its own, like a stronger impact toy or a cane, or if she had been less able to self-monitor and be in touch with her own body.

That means that to help us distinguish between kinky and abusive, as well as between when to stop and when to continue, rough play needs some rules. These are my top four.

Rule No.1: Negotiate

The concept of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may be known to you. It's pretty easy. Before we begin the scenario, we should all be aware of the risks involved in rough play, identify them, and learn how to reduce them. It sounds simple, and it usually is. We compromise since many of the items we adore are not as strong as what she and I encountered. We must prepare for the worst because the best happens when we do. If we don't, the repercussions will be far worse than unpleasant. They may potentially pose a threat.

Therefore, the first thing we do is negotiate with a playmate. And even with someone we know exceptionally well, we always do it. Sometimes it may seem like a monotonous, repeated procedure. It may appear to be a "scene killer." It's enjoyable and straightforward if you incorporate it into your play vocabulary. (See Yes! for more information on consent.) The Reason Consent Is So Hot.)

Rule No.2: Keep it Sane and Sober

This should go without saying, yet impairment is shockingly widespread. Unpack the toy bag, go out, locate a hot playmate, and then—wait—how many glasses of wine did I have? Warning sign! Hold on! All bets are off, or ought to be!

If any substance is involved, you should never play, much less negotiate. Drugs, alcohol, and even personal medications might be problematic in some situations. To put it simply: Don't! The pleasure will be shared later and at a different location. It is vitally important to remember and honor this in rough play.

It may not seem like much, but this is slightly more subtle. We occasionally feel exhausted, haven't eaten much, or haven't had enough sleep. It occurs, and it happens frequently. Although it's reasonable to assume that we're not using large machinery, it's also sensible, safe, and realistic to point out that many toys can withstand more than a single hit. Some of the toys in my toy bag can cause serious harm if misused. Since that isn't included in any scene that interests me, my guideline is straightforward: You must be familiar with your equipment. That's more than just browsing a toy store or online magazine. Reading about a toy and then using it on someone else is insufficient; after a few such scenarios, you can genuinely adore and care about that person.

Rule No.3: Know Your Tool

Nope, having a solid understanding of your toys requires genuine confidence and, perhaps most crucially, an awareness of your ignorance. Knowing what you know is not difficult if you put in the effort. It can be challenging to see what you don't know—acknowledging a deficiency and letting people know you are not an expert. This has a lot of strength. A lifelong learner prepared to lay down the tool and take up the book to listen, watch, study, comprehend, and then, when the time is right, share is modest enough to admit when they don't know something.

Rule No.4: Know Yourself

This is the most critical step in the entire procedure. You have mental and physical limitations, whether you're a giver or a recipient, a top or a bottom, or someone doing or being done to. Where those are is up to you and you alone. You are the only one who can step back and decide if you should quit or continue. It requires more than just consciousness; it also involves ego, how we attempt to be perceived in the situation, and how we decide whether or not to continue. It can be awkward to make that call.

However, that man continued for hours. What's the matter with me?

Nothing, is the response. Being a great player, people want to hang out with and play with in the future, and it greatly depends on your ability to stand down, whether at the top or the bottom. A critical component of how rough play can be practical is stopping, resting, and letting it go.

The Final Piece of the Puzzle

You might be asking why I haven't discussed topics like whether or not to loosen the rope, how hard or where to hit a partner, or how many times to strike. You must understand these things to enter the room; they are all components of learning to know yourself and your toys and tools. You shouldn't think of rough play if you haven't learned such things.

The first rule, negotiation, heavily relies on the play's particulars. Does your bottom inform you about their physique, including what they like and don't like? It's necessary, a mandated reading. Can you "read" your partner's skin, their breath, who they've played with in the past, and how long and hard they've done it? Once more, it all falls under rule No. 1.

Indeed, it's reasonable to question how forcefully you ought to strike. After all, we are dealing with a warm, loving human body—someone to treasure and tend to—rather than a practice pillow. You begin slowly, build, check in, communicate, touch, breathe, and feel as you go along—how much fun is that? Lots—I'll tell you. This allows you the time and room to get it hot and know when to stop when you've had enough. (The process can teach you a lot about yourself. Read Bondage With Benefits: What I Learned from BDSM to learn more about one writer's experience.)

Doin' It Right

Not everyone is cut out for rough play. Indeed, it can have a negative, even disastrous, outcome if done incorrectly or you disregard the guidelines I've provided. You move into it with depth and connection and do it with significant consideration and care. Done with gentleness and love—that sounds strange, but it's incredibly potent. However, learn, listen, respect, and take ownership of your responsibilities and yourself. Don't take anything for granted. That's the proper way to do it.