Power Play: How to Use Power to Make Even Mundane Things Super Sexy
Learn how procedures may add excitement to even the most boring tasks.
Do you want to add some dominance and obedience to your sexual life? Or perhaps you want to increase the power you already use in the bedroom? Maybe you find it attractive when your boyfriend gives you instructions in that growly, I 'm-not-joking voice typically saved for tender whispers in your ear.
A great place to begin playing power play is with protocol. Learn about various power dynamics theories, chores, norms, and rituals, as well as how to design protocols that work for you, by reading on.
But Before We Start ...
When I say "power play," I mean when two individuals come together with respect and concern for one another and actively choose that one will lead and the other will follow. Each is dependent on the other, and both functions are significant. I do not intend to convey the idea that the person "in power" is the dominant, or top, and the person "who gives up power" is the submissive, or bottom. Many people I know have had profound power come from their darkest moments. Like ballroom dance, power play requires both partners and assigns each one a distinct role. There is no superiority between the two.
You should consider your perspective on D/s roles before experimenting with power. Which role is more appealing to you? How do you think power relations are impacted by gender and race? How about financial standing? How much power do you possess?
We encounter power dynamics everywhere we go, and they frequently manifest unintentionally in our social and cultural relationships. Power play brings these systems into consciousness and opens up a whole new world for us to play in, which is one of the reasons I adore it so much.
Power exchange can take many forms, including 24/7 ownership, bondage, contracts, kink and leather groups, and sensation play. Many of these elements may include protocols as a key component.
Tasks and Rules and Rituals, Oh My!
Actually, "protocol" is just a fancy name for "rule," but it's a little more complicated; protocols deal with how specific duties should be completed. They could be continuous assignments, particular actions that must be taken and carried out in specific ways, or they could be guidelines on how to address one's spouse, including utilizing the titles "Sir," "m'Lady," or "my Queen." They can also be rituals, such as a specific way to make coffee in the morning, detailed guidelines for greeting and parting ways, or daily chores to finish before bed.
Numerous protocols are already in place in many of us, both for ourselves and others. We have peculiar, frequently unwritten norms concerning food (if you always have the same drink with a particular meal), fashion (which colors don't match with others, which shoes to go with which ensembles), and the home (who takes out the trash and washes the dishes).
Although I've discovered that dominating procedures are considerably less frequently stated, both dominants and submissives can be given protocols to adhere to. Protocols usually refer to a submissive's actions to further the interests and well-being of their dominant and their relationship. (Are you a brand-new subordinate? Check out our Introduction to Submission guide.
But hold on -
Why Would You Want Protocols?
Because they can add sexiness to ordinary, dull things. Since they're entertaining. Because they facilitate the smoother operation of your life.
Protocols may seem like a lot of work, and for good reason. Keeping up with them requires a lot of commitment. However, playing with protocols in your power dynamic may be a wonderfully organized method to expand your control reach if you find having your conduct restricted (or controlling someone else's behavior) appealing. And the rewards can be enormous once you put in the effort to incorporate protocols into your life!
Additionally, protocols may be short-term. You can establish them for two hours, days, or weeks. You can remove them from the table after you're sick of them. You don't have to stay with them forever; I wouldn't suggest it. Put them on, play with them, discover what makes you attractive, and pursue your joy.
Yeah! Let's Make Some Protocols!
Stop jibber-jabbering. Let's discuss how to establish rules in your partnership.
Tip No.1: When negotiating protocols, equality is key.
You should put your relationship on hold while you work out protocols if there is already a power dynamic. Establishing the protocols is not just the dominant's job. Submissives frequently have an excellent understanding of the dynamics of the relationship as well.
Tip No.2: The protocols should serve both partners and their dynamics.
Author Lily Lloyd implies in "Discipline" that all procedures ought to:
- Increase your sense of intimacy with your companion
- Create the dynamic that both parties desire and agree upon.
- Improve the health of both partners.
Before implementing any procedures, consider whether these three objectives will be achieved.
Tip No.3: Set up a trial period for your protocols.
Establish a time frame for testing a new rule before implementing it. Assess the experience of using a procedure after the trial period of one week, day, or hour. Was the procedure followed? Was the procedure finished? Did you enjoy it? Did it make you feel excited, seductive, or turned on? Was it a drag instead? Did you feel relieved that it was over? Did you wish for it to go on? As it happens, pay attention. Protocols should be enjoyable, and you are not required to do anything you do not want to do.
Tip No.4: Fuck other people's protocols - use the ones that work for YOU.
Any area of your life that you and your partners believe is fair game might have rules created for it. Some partnerships may have stringent rules concerning employment (never be late; always come home immediately after work; make sure you eat a decent lunch), while others may have someone's job and occupation off-limits from protocols. Or you have rules about how someone should look and behave, but not how they spend their time.
It was difficult for me to understand what type of protocols I should create when I first started playing with power outside of rough sex and BDSM play in the bedroom, but I quickly realized that there is no right or wrong approach. What works or doesn't work for you and your relationship is all that matters.
Tip No.5: Protocols can make both sex and mundane chores hotter.
You can establish procedures in your lives to boost the ante in the bedroom. However, you may also establish guidelines for your home that transform everyday practicalities into opportunities to benefit your relationship and one another.
For instance...
Rules for Self-Improvement
- Establish morning alarms and/or bedtimes.
- Limit the extravagant activities you want to stay away from.
- Include something in your daily grooming regimen.
- Create three artworks this week.
- Move your body and work out twice this week.
- Spend fifteen minutes each morning kneeling and meditating.
- Quit using profanity or the word "like" and practice your power (dominant/submissive) in your journal every night before bed.
Rules for Making Pragmatic Things Hot
- Serve your favorite beverages every day while dressed to the nines.
- Every night, wash the dishes while wearing a butt plug.
- Every morning, make the bed while naked.
- One night a week, prepare or pick up your dominant's favorite meal.
- Find out the exact laundry preferences of your dominant.
- Clean and arrange your leather and sex toys.
- Wearing nipple clamps while performing your tasks
- Prepare dessert while wearing just an apron.
Rules That Are Sexy Just for Sexy's Sake
- Edge every day
- Take a week off from work every day.
- Don't take a week off.
- Every day, practice blowjobs.
- Every day at 4 p.m., send a lewd SMS.
- Every night, provide sexual services.
- When you greet and part, kiss each other.
Tip No.6: Use protocols to improve your relationship.
In their book "Dear Raven & Joshua," master/slave queer couple Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny, who have written numerous books about power dynamics and service, suggest creating rules around your relationship's annoyances or areas you wish to improve.
Keeping the gas tank filled may be suitable for the submissive if, for instance, the dominant frequently finds themselves without time to fill it. It could be helpful to have the submissive wash the dishes every night before bed if you find a sink full of dirty dishes unattractive and bothersome.
What happens if a protocol doesn't work as intended?
Responses could range from particular penalties to the chance for a second chance. However, there is so much to discuss about developing and implementing protocols that we must cover in another piece!
Protocols can be a great way to incorporate power dynamics into daily life outside the bedroom. They can improve closeness and strengthen bonds between lovers. Finding what works for you and the partnership may require time, effort, and introspection, but the opportunities for pleasure, power, and connection are endless. Prepare to benefit from power play by approaching one another with open communication and respect.
