In A Relationship With A Feederist: Navigating Erotic Weight Gain

Erotic weight growth, or feederism, is a fetish that can be amused, but it is also associated with stigma and abuse potential.

Evie was in her 23rd summer when she and Brandon first met at a local pool party. Brandon had recently moved to the region and lived a short stroll from Evie's apartment building. They immediately became friends because they had comparable origins in the service sector, shared family values, and had a passion for binge-watching "Supernatural."

In their delightfully beautiful early days, Evie remembers, "I thought he was just adorable."

After four dates, Brandon confessed to Evie during dinner that he was attracted to her eating.

Evie explains, "I don't recall being particularly [bothered] by that comment." I can recall the scene much more clearly than the actual dialogue. At the time, I lived about three minutes away from this hip, vintage diner. Additionally, I recall that he ordered two platters of cheddar fries for us "to share."

Brandon had a feederism fetish, which is a sexual desire to push your partner to eat too much food, which causes weight gain, as Evie quickly discovered. Over several years, Evie's relationship with her "feedee" evolved into something she found difficult to identify.

"I was unaware that boundaries and permission are still necessary in a love relationship. Particularly if one of you is truly living a kinky lifestyle," she muses. "I believed that we didn't need to argue over those 'rights' and 'wrongs' because we had what I perceived to be a healthy relationship and I was in love with him."

The specialized subculture of feederism is multifaceted. Consensual feeding is contentious because of the health hazards associated with forced weight gain, even though some people use it as a sexual expression. Evie first didn't understand the kink's intricacies, including its roots, diversity, and misinterpretation, as well as whether or not it was safe to practice.

What is feederism?

Feederism, sometimes known as "erotic weight gain," is the practice of people who are aroused by gaining weight or by pushing their partners to eat to gain weight. Alyshia D. Bastard of the University of Waterloo did a thesis that states that the person encouraging weight gain is referred to as a "feeder" or "encourager," while the person gaining weight is referred to as a "feedee" or "gainer." When Evie described her relationship with Brandon, she particularly used the terms feeder and feedee.

There are several different types of feederism. The feeder may occasionally propose additional food or particular items by verbally encouraging them. Evie claims that although Brandon promoted second helpings, greater amounts, and high-calorie meals, he also employed physical coercion. He would frequently prepare her sumptuous meals, take her out for decadent spaghetti and lava cake, and hand-feed her at home.

According to Bestard's premise, "the majority of people have never heard of feederism." "Being sexually aroused by gaining weight and extra fat is in opposition to what most people consider to be erotic, sensual, sexy, and desirable behavior."

Part of the reason Evie was so easily drawn into her relationship dynamic with Brandon. She didn't realize she was being groomed because having a feederism fetish is taboo and rarely mentioned. As with any kink, it's crucial to remember that the more resources you have on the subject and the more capable you are of establishing limits, the better.

Where does a feederism fetish come from?

It's hard to say why someone could have a feeding fetish, according to Portland couples and sex therapist Alana Ogilvie, LMFT. The majority of kinks have unknown origins.

She admits to Kinkly that there isn't any research on the causes of fetishes. Nevertheless, several psychological theories can help us understand this. For instance, according to behavioral theories, humans may develop fetishes and paraphilias due to conditioning, which is linking one stimulus to another to elicit a conditioned response.

Put another way, fetishes can be thought of as the outcome of linking things, behaviors, or body parts to your earliest pleasurable experiences of sexual arousal. Brandon told Evie that from an early age, he had fantasies about bigger women.

Brandon's family spent their weekends at a well-known amusement park in their hometown. He mentioned that he saw many women there who appeared to "spill out of their chairs," Evie says. He recalls being astounded by the size of their buttocks and boobs, even as a little child. At first, I thought that had a hint of innocence and wholesomeness. You enjoy what you enjoy.

Brandon's feeding methods weren't always so innocent. After the first year of their relationship, Evie discovered that she had put on more than the usual amount of "new relationship weight." Additionally, it appeared like Brandon was "deeply invested" in keeping her obese. She went from being a size 10 to just fitting into a size 12–14.

We frequently wrapped our sexual encounters in food. Food as a form of foreplay. We started discussing chocolate sauce, honey, and whipped cream. You know, it was messy and enjoyable," she says. Additionally, he would insist on having sex with me when I was eating. We once ordered takeout and brought it home, and when I went to get my meal to eat it, he jumped my bones. He was aroused.

Evie had battled her body for a long time. She was raised in a culture that valued being slender and slender. During college, she recalls returning home during breaks and holding her breath in anticipation of her mother's approval or disapproval of her appearance. Evie would have had a joyful holiday if her mother had said with pride that she looked terrific and that she must have been keeping up with her running. She would lose her temper if someone mockingly commented about using less gravy over Thanksgiving dinner. Not surprisingly, despite her weight gain, Evie felt it liberating to be regarded as attractive and valuable.

"I still don't know if he brought me to four-course dinners on the weekends and constantly called me "beautiful" and "stunning" because he was a fantastic boyfriend or because he was lusting after feeding me. Perhaps it was both.

I'm still trying to work through that," Evie explains. "I know now that I was forced into acts of feederism without knowing what it was, even though there were aspects of being a feedee that I liked or felt comfortable with."

Feederism: Problems With the Power Dynamic

Their weight gain-related thoughts and behaviours have aroused many feeders. In actuality, a sizable kink community posts progress pictures on social media that show their erotic weight gain. They act in this way to satisfy their followers' sexual desires as well as their own.

One Reddit member posts a full-body selfie and comments, "I love feeling like a massive cow after a stuffing." (Binge-eating is referred to as stuffing.)

Another user replies, "My favorite body type and my favorite animal." "Whoa."

While some feedees fantasize about and find sexual pleasure in gaining weight, the remainder of the participants are the ones who are causing controversy around this fetish. In other words, those who exploit the feederism-related power dynamic to control a subordinate partner, frequently at the expense of that person's health.

"The danger of feederism is that boundaries will not be acknowledged or respected, as is the case with most sexual practices that involve a component of power and control," says Ogilvie. "The terms of the relationship need to be renegotiated if either partner has low self-esteem, a negative body image, or mental health issues. Psychological boundaries have probably been crossed."

According to Ogilvie, if a client informs her that feederism is affecting their sense of self, even in the face of consenting humiliation, she will investigate how their agreement regarding feederism is enhancing their sex-related sense of connection or pleasure.

The fact that fetishizing fatness is essentially sexualizing a marginalized group of people raises additional ethical concerns with feederism.

"Anti-fat prejudice is connected to other oppressive systems like racism, misogyny, and classism, and fatphobia is pervasive in American society," claims Ogilvie. In Western culture, being overweight carries with it the risk of psychological and emotional abuse, appallingly subpar medical care, and more serious disabilities and limitations. The gainer in their connection could become the subject of abuse and prejudice from both inside and outside the partnership if feeders and feedees fail to recognize the context in which they live.

Intentionally degrading and fatphobic phrases, including calling the feedee "piggy" and "slob" in a sexual context, are common in the feederism kink. Evie is all too familiar with this. It can be detrimental to romanticize or praise being overweight, especially if a thin person is doing it.

I had grown immune to the name-calling that occurred during sex with [Brandon] at the end of our relationship. He would jiggle my belly, calling me animal names like "cow" or "pig." She comments, "Among other things, I wondered how his love for me or his appreciation of my body could sound so blatantly ugly."

Play Safely With Feederism

"Eating or being fed by a spouse during intercourse is not intrinsically harmful. According to Ogilvie, most people find eating and watching others eat to be highly exciting. "But in my opinion, feederism has a genuine risk of going too far, much like many fetishes that only highlight one feature of a person as being sexually attractive."

Take these precautions to guarantee safe, sensible, and consenting play if you're interested in feederism because you genuinely want to put on weight for your enjoyment or if you're experimenting with a trusted partner:

Get to Know Yourself and Your Partner

Discuss your reasons or aspirations with someone. Start by talking to yourself about this. One of the most important first steps in experimenting with feederism is to understand why you are interested in it and how you would like to see this dream realized. Additionally, it will assist you in making sure that both parties are drawn to each other for reasons other than fat fetishism.

Ogilvie asserts that there is a distinction between being drawn to someone purely because they are overweight and being attracted to a fat person.

While objectifying one's spouse is not inherently harmful, she added, "I can't say with confidence that you have a healthy foundation going for you when it seems like that's the only thing your relationship is built on."

Discuss Boundaries

Depending on how you practice it, feederism can take many forms. Perhaps hand-feeding makes you uncomfortable, but vocal encouragement to eat is fine. You might want to use food play in your sex life to keep your feederism fetish in the bedroom, but you might not like being asked to eat a second part at a restaurant in public. A healthier connection will result from determining your precise constraints.

Determine a Safeword

It is essential to have a predetermined word, phrase, or signal that halts or reduces play to guarantee that the feedee and feeder respect each other's comfort levels. Many people use the stoplight system for kinky activities, which uses "red" to halt and "yellow" to progress cautiously. However, your safewords can be any phrase or signal that feels appropriate for you and your play partner.

Connect With Your Doctor About Safe Weight Gain

Ask your doctor about any health issues you should be aware of before attempting to acquire a lot of weight, especially quickly. Gaining weight is healthy, but you run the danger of hurting yourself if you don't get medical help or monitoring.

Check-In About Comfort Levels

Evie explains, "I was trying to convince myself that I genuinely wanted to be there for a lot of my relationship with Brandon." Given the trauma she had endured from the female role models in her life over food and weight gain, it was challenging for her to find perspective. It was difficult for her to acknowledge the fact that Brandon's proclivities made her uncomfortable because she had discovered a certain freedom from being fed and loved with a larger body.

But after a while, she started to believe that Brandon had progressively increased the feederism in their daily lives until it was "the third person in the relationship." To the extent that she found them offensive, Brandon assumed that Evie would wear oversized clothing or shorts that she had outgrown. Brandon began mentioning more and more how much he wanted her jeans' buttons to pop.

Evie claims that her weight increase and Brandon's desire to watch her "belly keep growing" intruded into every serious conversation and led to innumerable arguments. Friends and relatives became concerned about Brandon's control over Evie.

We were together for two years. "It speaks to a larger theme, but feederism wasn't the reason we broke up," she explains. His efforts to persuade me that we were in love and that we had a connection were incredibly intense. Even though I believed it to be the case, I now realize I didn't love him. I feared him.

Make time to question yourself if you're new to the feederism kink, especially as a feedee: Am I content, satisfied, and safe in my relationship dynamic?

Evie says, "That's my biggest advice to others." "Avoid being blind."

The Bottom Line of Feederism

Suppose your quality of life starts to suffer due to anti-fat bias, anxiety, sadness, low self-worth, or negative body image concerns. In that case, you're correct to wonder if feederism can be a part of your relationship.

"The mental health and sense of self of one or both individuals are not worth the sexual gratification of one person," Ogilvie warns. "Renegotiating your terms, stopping feeding and gaining activities, and getting help from a certified sex therapist—especially one with kink and BDSM experience—are all options if one or both partners are having difficulties."