How to Use Yes / No / Maybe Lists

You're not always in the mood. You don't want to be touched for one reason or another (or, like, twenty different causes all bothering you at once).

However, there are moments when you do sense a connection to your sexual self. You want to get ravished, don't you? But the idea of having another sexual encounter that goes in the same pattern doesn't make you feel hot; instead, it makes you yawn.

Or perhaps it's not at all. Maybe you've been so preoccupied with pleasing your spouse for as long as you've engaged in sexual activity that you've never developed an awareness of what makes you feel good. Well, where do you even start now? Isn't it too late to change your sexual habits? It seems like you're destined to follow the same sexual scripts and repeat the same sexual patterns over and over again.

Back in the early days of my sex writing career, when I first learned about Yes/No/Maybe lists, they were promoted as a tool for partners to communicate, something that two people could use to start a discussion about kinks and sexual desires. These lists, which typically enumerated different sexual activities, might be used by couples to negotiate what they might or might not be willing to attempt in the bedroom and to determine whether their partner is interested in or comfortable with particular sexual acts. They could establish certain sexual limits with it.

These lists were frequently offered at the time as a way to help people who were scared to tell their spouse or partners about their kinks for fear of being judged for their "deviance." Partners could then start a conversation about why some behaviors were interesting or hot for them. In contrast, others were frightening or off-limits by presenting different activities within the framework of a longer list, where people could indicate that they had enjoyed something in the past, were interested in trying something, could be persuaded to try something, or were not at all interested.

It's only lately that I've also started to believe that these lists are the best resource for people who don't know what they might genuinely like. These sexual bucket lists can give people and partners exciting ideas for experimenting with their sexual pleasure because there are so many variations of Yes/No/Maybe lists and because they are so customizable.

In order to determine which Yes/No/Maybe lists are most effective for you, I advise looking at a few different ones that are accessible online. Combining items from one list with those from another is always acceptable.

Some of my favorites are as follows:

Body boundaries, words and terms, relationship models, safer sex behaviors, sexual responses, birth control and reproductive choices, and a variety of physical and non-physical sexual activities are all included in the list that Heather Corinna and CJ Turett of Scarleteen, an excellent teen sex education website, put together. For each item on the list, users are asked to select yes, no, maybe, I don't know, fantasy, and N/A.

Autostraddle staff writer A.E. Osworth went beyond the list format to develop a number of worksheets that couples may utilize to discuss a variety of sexual topics, including general turn-ons, dirty talk, boundaries, lubrication and toy ingredients, and more.

Additionally, one of the most extensive and intricate Yes/No/Maybe lists I've ever seen is that of sex educator Bex Caputo. Users can differentiate between activities they are personally eager to do or try and those they are willing to do or try because their partner is interested in them, rather than merely using the three columns (yes, no, and maybe). There are also distinct sections on kink and sex, terminology used during intercourse, and emotions you desire or don't want to experience during intercourse.

Last but not least, you are free to decide at any moment whether you are in favor of a particular action or not. In fact, going over your list semi-regularly is probably a brilliant idea. Given that our interests and comfort levels constantly change over time, it's critical to remain receptive to the concept of redefining sex for ourselves as we mature.

What else could I advise? Enjoy yourself while doing this! You never know what new pleasure you might find.