The Impressively Long History of Penis Worship

Although most of us have never actually worshipped a phallus, penises have historically been the object of a great deal of religious adoration.

The mighty phallus has always had its share of devotees, although it might be said that lady parts have been religiously charged for longer. The Hole phallus is the earliest known stone depiction of a penis devotional. Its estimated age is 28,000 years. It's still quite firm and ready to do whatever siltstone penises are supposed to do, even after all this time. This discovery undoubtedly marks the beginning of penis worship.

Penis Worship in Green Mythology

Dionysus, the Greek deity of wine and theater, is widely recognized. In addition, he is the deity of fertility, sensual ecstasy, and ritual lunacy. Intoxication, dancing, live theatrical acts, and sex—lots and lots of different, boisterous, intense, and highly visible sex—were all part of a traditional Dionysus celebration. Dionysus' son, via Aphrodite, was even more focused on the phallus than his father, which is unsurprising given that.

The gods cursed the son in question, the ridiculously named Priapus, and exiled him from Mount Olympus. For years, he thought he was human because people nurtured him. He was a popular mate and a pioneer in promoting penis worship because of his large member and persistent erection. Monuments to Priapus continued standing even after Christianity arrived and ruled that intoxication and sex were improper in a religious context. (It's unclear if he made the four-hourly doctor's appointments that the ads for erection pills recommend.)

A group of ostensibly pious gay men make up the congregation of St. Priapus Church, which was established in 1980. This Temple of Priapus, which is situated in picturesque Montreal, advocates for its members to spend at least four hours every day in proximity to their penis. Their most religious deed is to assist a buddy in experiencing an orgasm, or masturbation. A documentary about the temple's more contemporary penis worship and holy wanking is also featured.

Penis Worship in India and Egypt

Shiva, the god of destruction and Kali's consort, also has a striking member. Shiva's sacred garment, known as Linga or Lingus, is revered by—I'm not kidding—those who saturate it with water and then caress it while meditating. The elevation of the wang was also popular among Egyptians. Their fertility deity, Min, was frequently portrayed with his right hand waving to the populace and his left hand clutching an erect penis. Egyptian pharaohs were not against public masturbation or penile display because they were regarded as living gods.

Penis Worship In Japan

As long as people have been writing about such things, penis worship has existed in Japan. One of the few statues of the blessed phallus still standing is the Mara Kannon Shrine, which is thought to be 450 years old. With an annual penis festival featuring schlong-themed candies, hats, fake noses, and as many puns as you can handle, this shrine is still a popular destination today. However, on a more somber note, prostitutes also visit the Mara Kannon to offer prayers for protection and a year free from STIs. Holy Penis, you will be done.

Norway's Phillip the Penis

The practice of displaying enormous wangs in public still exists today. A man wearing a giant penis costume was seen wandering the nearby beaches in Norway. Does he want to be revered? Perhaps. A sacred ass-kicking is more likely to result from his habit of dousing innocent victims in glitter. Phillip says he is bringing attention to sexually transmitted infections. Is there really any reason why someone would want to run about Norway dressed as a giant penis? Shooting sparkly love juice at random beachgoers must be a treat in and of itself.

Subdued Penis Reverence in the United States

Our penis-reverence is much more muted in the United States. Many contend that the Washington Monument is the most patriotic of phalluses, despite its ugly corners. When someone puts a giant condom on it, I'll believe it. Wait a minute, that was done in 2011. There is, in fact, a video.

Without mentioning the Ypsilanti water tower in Ypsilanti, Michigan, which has received praise for being the most phallic building ever, no essay on penis worship would be complete. I assume that they are referring to the most inadvertently phallic structure. I wonder what William R. Coats, the designer, would think of his invention often being called "that penis water tower" and "the brick dick." I hope his sense of humor was strong.

If you search long and hard enough, you can definitely find penis worship, albeit it is not as prevalent as it previously was. Furthermore, it has an impressively extensive history.