Power Play: The Differences Between Tops, Bottoms, and Switches

It all comes down to having fun and engaging with your partner or partners, regardless of how you define yourself.

A naked man is cleaning my house as I type this. Serving others just for the sake of doing so is his kink. However, that isn't the topic of this essay. He and I frequently have kink conversations while he cleans, which is why I bring it up. This time, it was revealed that he keeps his kinks a secret from the women he dates.

He told me, "To bring it up displays weakness in a man," which gave me the ideal illustration of how much of who we are is entwined with our sexual or kink roles. Let's review some fundamental terms that are significant to the kinky community:

Bottom: The individual who surrenders power or is physically touched by a top in a scene is called the bottom.

Top: The person in charge during a play or scene is called a top. A dominant may or may not be a top.

Switch: A switch is someone who, depending on their mood or the partner they are with, may alternate between feeling submissive/masochistic or dominant/sadistic. They might play as a bottom or a top. It's possible that they don't feel dominant or subservient.

It sounds pretty straightforward. However, there is a great deal of misunderstanding and uncertainty. Even these definitions allude to the frequent confusion between dominating and submissive and top/bottom. Furthermore, power exchange is entirely unnecessary in kink or sexual activities, even if it can be a lot of fun.

Where Does This Confusion Come From?

In my experience, the guilt my housekeeper mentions in his remark is partially to blame for this mistake. These roles are valued to differing degrees by various social groups and civilizations. Being a bottom is typically viewed as more feminine, while being a top is viewed as more masculine. You can see how intense these roles may be when you think about how feminine activities and ways of being are devalued and masculine activities are praised.

We undervalue and misunderstand what it means to be a bottom when we combine the bottom role with the worst assumptions of what it means to be feminine, such as being receptive and so weak.

There is more to being a bottom than just feeling good. It also involves putting yourself in a vulnerable situation and trusting your spouse. Although the level of vulnerability may differ, one thing is always the same: it takes a lot of strength to expose oneself to another. (See 5 Ways to Spot a Good Submissive for additional information.)

Active Participation

Furthermore, the best experiences are reciprocal and arise when everyone actively participates and adds to the experience. You are not a passive recipient just because you are experiencing any form of feeling, such as being flogged or penetrated.

When you are experiencing a feeling, you might respond in some other way, such as by moving your body, speaking, or making other vocalizations. These responses and emotions might guide the individual's sensations. A delightful feedback loop of feeling and response is possible. Everyone's experience becomes more decadent and more pleasurable as a result.

The essential function that both tops and bottoms play in negotiations is another way they are active players. When negotiating kink or sexual play, both parties must express their needs, desires, and boundaries. The top wanting or doing and the bottom accepting aren't the only things at play. In actuality, there is no assurance that the top is making decisions.

We tend to believe that the top is in charge, but it's equally possible that the bottom has asked for an activity and the top is giving it. From the outside, it is impossible to determine who is in charge or whose idea a scene was.

Switch

Misunderstandings and uncertainty over the switch's role are common. Being a switch myself, I have direct experience with people's prejudices. It's pretty comparable to the discrimination and misinterpretation I encounter because I'm bisexual. When people cannot categorize you into a single role, they appear to be somewhat uncomfortable. You seem to be "less than" in either job if you do or like more than one item.

People are quick to tell you what a "real" this or that is in some parts of the kink scene, and their idea of being a switch somehow implies that any role you play is less genuine because it's not the only one you ever play.

Switches, in my opinion, are underrepresented statistically. I believe there is a component of switch invisibility in the kink scene, just like bisexual invisibility is discussed in the gay community.

In the end, other people's opinions don't matter. Finding what feels right for you and what gives you (and your partners) the most satisfaction and enjoyment is what I usually tell individuals who are experimenting with sexuality and kink: do it without thinking about what other people may think or say. It doesn't get any easier than that, despite the uncertainty around the definitions of tops, bottoms, and switches.