How to Date When Kinky

It can be challenging to date. Kinky dating may or may not be more difficult.

I think I'm a rather "vanilla-kinky" person. I openly identify as a switch; I like bondage during sex with (very, very) trustworthy partners, I like the occasional play party, and I have a thing for spanking. I wouldn't describe kink as an essential aspect of my life or a quality I search for in a relationship partner.

Alright, let's tell a narrative.

This adorable child kept liking and commenting on all of my photos while I was on Instagram. I decided to follow him back as a recently single woman. After some lighthearted banter in my direct messages, things suddenly became strange.

He began describing his desire to bind me and perform various bondage situations on me. Even the feared phrase "Fifty Shades of Grey" was used by him. (Puke). This turned people off. Not to mention some rando I ventured to DM on Instagram; I don't want to be aggressively chased by an obvious kink newbie or stalker.

The rapid escalation of the conversation surprised me. I write about kink regularly as a sex journalist and educator, so I must be willing to be chained to a wall by any man who asks, right? Am I expected to be amenable to bondage without even exchanging last names? Talk about your lack of limits and your crazy, poisonous masculinity.

This made me consider my friends who participate actively in kink communities and are more kinky. I've heard innumerable tales of how hard it is to keep a "kinky" identity and have a meaningful relationship at the same time.

As though dating wasn't challenging enough. To find out precisely what it takes to date while kinky, I sought advice from a few kink gurus.

How you approach dating depends on "how kinky you are."

You might be shocked to learn how accepting society has become of this kind of play if you're on the "vanilla" side, which means you want to experiment with bondage, spanking, or other light kink during sex. The originator of Tea and Empathy and well-known sex educator Kate Kleinfeld, MPH, tells Kinkly that light kink has all but become commonplace.

Almost half of Americans say they have tried bondage or kink during sexual play, according to studies, since the explosive (albeit problematic) "Fifty Shades of Grey" fad. Similar findings were reported by a Canadian study that was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, which indicated that 41% of women and 49% of men surveyed considered being tied up to be a sexual desire.

It's always important to remember that different people have different ideas on what kinky is. "I've dated people who initially stated they weren't into kink, but halfway through fucking they're whispering absolute filth in my ear and asking me to tie them up and choke them," says Louisa Knight, a kink professional and BDSM to Kinkly.

How important kink is to you personally is what counts. "Dating people who also identify as kinky can often be easier because you're more likely to share some sexual interests (or at least be familiar with the scene)," Knight explains.

According to Kleinfeld, how much of an impact kink has on your dating life as a whole depends on how kinky you are. What does it mean? You might wish to look into options that address your particular demands if you have a particularly specific fetish and/or participate actively in the BDSM lifestyle. She says, "I would advise looking for partners on Fetlife or at kink events like munches." Visit their website and explore it to find out more about Fetlife. This online community was created just for kinksters. Kink may be a good place to start if it's a major factor in your partner selection. However, Knight warns that you may encounter some creepy people on these kink websites. However, have you ever used Tinder? Perhaps, kinky or not, that's just an aspect of courting. *sigh*

On kink sites, you may encounter some very creepy people. However, have you ever used Tinder? Perhaps, kinky or not, that's just an aspect of courting.

Communication is your bread and butter.

Your interpersonal communication skills will be crucial if you're looking for a partner who is receptive to kink or if you want to explore kink with a current partner. In both casual and serious relationships, it is impossible to avoid talking about kink. Having excellent sexual communication is essential for navigating kinky sex. Make an effort to understand how to compromise on your needs, desires, and boundaries," Kleinfeld continues.

To better assess your compatibility, it's crucial to find out exactly what someone is into if kink is a significant part of your sex life. Giving people the freedom to express themselves however they see fit, creating positive avenues for communication regarding sex, and avoiding being overly fixated on a label if it doesn't seem right for both of you are the most significant ways to address that. Sharing sex menus with a new person I'm dating has always been enjoyable for me in this sense as well, Knight explains.

You can't assume that the other person will understand that you're seeking a kinky relationship. There are times when all someone wants is a kinky sex partner. In every other dating situation, the same thing occurs. Say so if you want both. A lot of kinksters are also seeking love.

When it comes to dating, I've noticed that kinky people are much more likely to consider their sexuality in-depth than those whose desires are portrayed as "normal." According to Knight, "I frequently discover that if someone has performed that analysis in one aspect of their life, they are more likely to have extended it to other areas, such as seriously considering their relationship to monogamy or their emotional needs surrounding sex and intimacy."

If you want anything long-term, you can only achieve it by expressing your desires. Why waste your time on someone who isn't interested in that? It's easier said than done, indeed. However, it's a good starting point.