Great, Now I'm Being Asked To Do It Froggy-Style

It can be fantastic—or not so great—to get it on in novel and captivating ways.

Like many couples, my husband and I frequently consider trying out new and unusual sexual positions when we want to add some variation to our sex lives. However, according to my spouse, every piece of furniture in the house is a variable. Permitting him to claim doggy style on the couch differs from doggy style on the bed, which is an underhanded method of ensuring he never exerts more physical effort than the bare minimum and a blatant attempt to get around the experiment's original purpose.

All those stances where a man gets up and suspends his significant other? Around the same time that I stopped expecting him to accompany me on hikes—which, to be fair, maybe a recreational pastime for me but amounts to cruel cardiovascular torture for my less-than-outdoorsy spouse—I stopped expecting him to do those.

He is stubborn when it comes to hiking and humping. Still, when he sees something new in the news, whether it's about the consumer drone market's expected growth or the highly anticipated virtual reality games that are about to be released, he wants to try it out... even if it means getting bruised, exhausted, or having an irate wife straddling him with a decidedly disapproving expression on her face.

I'm Not an Amphibian, Dear

My husband has suddenly developed a fascination with the sexual postures that frogs adopt. (Really.)

The other morning, he called out, "Hey," from the living room. Frogs can only have sex in six different positions, in case you were unaware.

Honestly, sweetheart, I had never really thought about how frogs mate. Since that's where this conversation is going (whether I like it or not), why don't you tell me?

"Well, a new frog-sex position has emerged. what they recently learned about."

I'm going to presume that he means herpetologists, not weird, overly curious pornographers with a lot of free time, so I won't bother questioning who "they" are in this context.

According to the description, the "dorsal straddle," the new frog-mating position, will be one of my husband's new faves, with one minor exception that we'll discuss in a moment.

With his hands and feet gripping or resting on a leaf, limb, or tree trunk, the male performs the "dorsal straddle" above his mate's back. My husband read excitedly from his tablet, smiling like a dirty-minded Cheshire Cat.

"I'm sure the sofa arm would be a great alternative to a tree branch," he said helpfully.

Over the years, I've discovered that the best way to stop my husband's numerous foolish ideas is to kill them when they're still young before they can develop into something truly awful. Usually, the best strategy is to focus on a logistical issue he overlooked that could kill the business.

I said, "Honey, I don't have dorsal fins." How are you able to straddle something that I don't own?

Regretfully, my hubby isn't exactly as ignorant as my mind usually thinks he is.

He was right that frogs also lack fins. Nonetheless, the position's name alludes to the fact that they, like us, have dorsal muscles.

Well, what do you know? Fuck me. The man is literate.

Why We Won't Be Doing It "Froggy Style"

However, it turned out that my remarkably well-read spouse hadn't read all the way through.

I took the tablet from him and rapidly skimmed the article in search of an unquestionable deal-killer that would stifle my husband's excitement about a new way to mount me from behind.

In the end, I only needed to read the identical passages he had been quoting to me.

I read out loud that the male releases sperm over the female's back before leaving. There is no actual physical contact between the sexes during the egg-laying and fertilization processes. The sperm then trickles down the female's back to fertilize the eggs.

His expression suggested that I had just informed him that he was not allowed to have a pet.

He yelled, "Give me that," and grabbed the tablet out of my hand.

He kept reading down the screen, his face lowering. Nevertheless, I was aware that his mind must be racing, anxiously trying to find a reason to sustain his sexual fantasy of frog-mimicking.

He inquired hopefully, "Well, what if I just kind of rubbed it between your butt cheeks without putting it in?"

I crossed my arms, cocked my head forward a little, tapped one foot, and gave him the "Sonoran Death Stare," as he used to call it, through the top rim of my glasses.

He wisely said, "Nevermind," and carefully placed the iPad back on the coffee table.

I'd declare victory now, but I know it's going to be a long week because the most recent issue of National Geographic just came and includes a lengthy feature on Great White Shark behavior.

Do you need a sex position that suits you? Take a look at our playlist for sex positions.