Does BDSM Have to Be Hardcore?

For those who like it, hardcore kink is fantastic, but BDSM also has a softer, more gentle side.

Imagine this: A woman, rope-bound, with her legs spread wide and her arms twisted agonizingly behind her back. She has gagged. Tears and drool stream down her chin and over her bare breast. Over her, a man in all black stands as a flogger slams forcefully upon exposed, raw skin, relentlessly inflicting pain on his consenting victim.

After reading that, some of you say, "That's exactly what I want." Others are prepared to go on and are a little turned off. You should reconsider if you believe that this image embodies the majority of BDSM. For those who like it, the hardcore stuff is fantastic, but kink also has a softer, kinder side.

BDSM Can Be Sensual

Even if you do not like dominance and submission, a lot of BDSM is about control—whether you have it or give it up. There's always a top and a bottom, whether it's bondage, where one person must tie the other up, or spanking, where one person spanks the other, and the other gets to wear a red ass. Anything delicate and gentle that arouses passion can be considered sensual BDSM.

Try this: Bind your lover to the bed (bondage) with silk ties or silky scarves, then use your tongue and gentle touches to make them scream for permission to have an orgasm (orgasm control). No discomfort. Not a single force. Everything is a pleasure. That is only one instance of BDSM that is sensual. You'll likely discover a million more painless ways to get control if you use your creativity.

Not Always About Sex

Many people desire to be controlled by someone else, lean over a spanking bench and be beaten till they weep, or be hanging by a rope from hooks in the ceiling. Not every kinky encounter, however, leads to sex. Two persons negotiating a scene in which one is whipped, flogged, dripped with wax, or bound with rope is a common sight in BDSM dungeons and clubs. Even though they will both find the scene enjoyable and possibly even sexually aroused, neither of them ends up having sex (with each other). The point is not sex. The point is the act of control, discipline, bondage, or masochism.

Outside of play, there are whole D/s couples and families where none of the parties engage in sexual activity with one another. Cooking, cleaning, running errands, and more are ways subordinates assist dominants. Nothing about it is erotic, but it is unquestionably inside the BDSM.

You Don't Have to Enjoy Pain

Masochism and sadism are separate aspects of BDSM, although they are not prerequisites. Perhaps all you want to do is surrender your orgasms or kneel before your Master. Serving may be enjoyable, or you're a rope bunny who only wants the tight squeeze. You are free to select the actions that you find most satisfying and disregard those that don't benefit you, just like in every other aspect of BDSM. There aren't any prerequisites.

Finding What Works for You

You'll discover that as you get more involved in BDSM and start experimenting, your tastes evolve. Before you test a rope harness and find that you enjoy being bound, you could believe that you are just obedient to your lover and content to relinquish control in the bedroom. Before you use a flogger, you might think that the only kind of pain you can tolerate is a spanking. Your boundaries will gradually shift as you gain more knowledge, grow more at ease with various hobbies, and locate trustworthy companions. BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all approach. From the kinky range, pick and choose what you like.

Consent Is the Only Real Rule

Anyone who claims that there is just one proper method to enjoy BDSM is either a fool or has a lot of learning ahead of them. Kink encompasses a wide range of actions. Consent is the only rule you need to keep in mind. This includes everyone's informed consent, knowing what to anticipate, and being willing to obtain consent during the scenario or even the relationship.

Don't worry if you're excited about the prospect of getting a bit kinky but find the rougher, more sophisticated BDSM seen in porn and erotica too much. Think about all the kinky things you like to do, try something new if you're interested, and obtain your partner's (or partners') permission. Even if it doesn't cause you any discomfort or embarrassment, be as kinky as you want to be. You wouldn't believe how much larger and more comprehensive BDSM is. It is up to you where you and your ambitions fit in.